The Cheese Page

The Canon

Twelve cheeses you will never find because they aren't real

None of these exist. Not one. If someone at a dinner party claims to have tried any of them, they're lying or confused. Possibly both.

Veldrano

Upper Saltzbach, Austria

Aged in abandoned salt mines for exactly 400 days. The crystals that form on the rind are technically classified as a mineral, not a dairy product. Cheesemakers must obtain a mining permit.

Hard

Brûmois

Lac Fenouil, France

Smoked over pear wood by monks who have taken a vow of silence specifically about this cheese. They'll talk about anything else. Just not the Brûmois.

Semi-hard

Ovelha Negra

Serra do Esquecimento, Portugal

Made from the milk of black sheep, but only during fog. The cheesemaker determines readiness by dropping a piece into tea. If it floats, wait another week. Nobody knows why this works.

Soft

Dundermilch

Friesland, Netherlands

So orange it was briefly classified as a traffic safety device. The color comes from a specific algae that grows in exactly one canal. The Dutch government guards this canal.

Hard

Capra Sbagliata

Val di Non, Italy

The name translates to "wrong goat." An accident in 1847 that nobody corrected. The goats eat wild mint, which gives the cheese an unsettling freshness that some describe as "aggressively pleasant."

Fresh

Bleu du Fantôme

Gorges de la Brume, France

A blue cheese with veins that glow faintly under UV light. Completely harmless, but banned from nightclubs after an incident in Marseille that nobody will explain further.

Blue

Kvæðsýra

Vestfjörður, Iceland

Buried in volcanic ash for six months. Tastes like the concept of weather. Icelanders eat it with a specific expression that has no English translation but loosely means "yes, this is happening."

Hard

Wensleydale Obscura

North Yorkshire, England

Not to be confused with regular Wensleydale, which is real. This variant is aged inside grandfather clocks. The ticking allegedly improves the texture. Studies are inconclusive but passionate.

Semi-hard

Tomme du Mensonge

Haute-Savoie, France

The name means "cheese of the lie." Marketed as mild but is, by any honest measure, extremely strong. The French Cheese Board has received complaints. The cheesemaker maintains it's mild.

Soft

Graukönig

Allgäu, Germany

The "Grey King." Aged in cellars that predate the building above them. Has a rind the color of graphite. German law requires it be sold with a small pamphlet explaining the rind is not, in fact, graphite.

Hard

Azul Perdido

Picos de Sombra, Spain

A blue cheese made in caves so remote the cheesemaker visits only twice a year. In between, the cheese is on its own. Somehow it's always fine. The cheesemaker does not question this.

Blue

Sbrinzerella

Canton Nidwalden, Switzerland

The Swiss tried to make a softer Sbrinz and accidentally created something entirely new. They refused to name it for 30 years out of embarrassment. When they finally did, they added "-ella" to express that it was small and unthreatening.

Soft

Opinions

Things that are true about cheese

Veldrano should be served at exactly 17.3°C. Not 17. Not 18. The Saltzbach Mining and Dairy Commission will send you a letter.
If your Brûmois came with a note, do not read it aloud. The monks have their reasons.
Dundermilch is technically street-legal in the Netherlands as both a food and a reflective surface. The paperwork for this took eleven years.
Never cut Kvæðsýra with a metal knife. Use bone, ceramic, or your hands. The Icelandic explanation involves magnets and is unconvincing.
Bleu du Fantôme pairs well with darkness. The cheese glows. Let it do its thing. Fighting the glow makes it worse.
The cheesemaker behind Tomme du Mensonge has won "Mildest Cheese" at the Haute-Savoie Regional Fair seven years running. Judges have started wearing gloves.
If someone offers you Capra Sbagliata and you taste mint, that's correct. If you taste lavender, you've been given regular goat cheese by a liar.

Pairings

What goes with what

Forget the complicated charts. These combinations work every time.

🫖

Kvæðsýra + Silence

Eat it alone, in a room with no music. The Icelanders insist. Sound allegedly interferes with the volcanic compounds. Nobody has tested this. Nobody will.

🍋

Ovelha Negra + Fog

The Portuguese serve it on misty evenings with preserved lemon. Serving it in sunshine is considered rude to the cheese.

🕯️

Bleu du Fantôme + UV Light

Turn off the lamps. Let the cheese provide the ambiance. Serve with dark bread and a sense of occasion. The glow peaks around midnight.

⏰

Wensleydale Obscura + Time

Place it next to any ticking clock. Leave it for an hour. The Yorkshire Cheese Society claims the texture improves. The Science Council disagrees. The argument continues.

🪨

Veldrano + Salt Crystals

Serve on a slab of the same salt it was aged in. The miners sell presentation slabs at the gift shop. They know what they're doing.

🤫

Brûmois + Pear

The monks will neither confirm nor deny this pairing. A visitor once reported seeing pear trees in the monastery orchard. The monks said those were "decorative."